


The Effective Cheer of Festive Capitalism

by Nrubluos



Category: Gigino & Co., World of Warcraft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:53:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28241205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nrubluos/pseuds/Nrubluos
Summary: "Merry Winterveil! Also, wanna turn a profit? Opportunities as far as the eye can see!"As it turns out, goblins are well known for their ruthless ingenuity, greed, and madcap inventiveness... and come the Feast of Winterveil, a pair of intrepid entrepreneurs set out to make some gold using all three.
Relationships: Goblins and Gold
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1





	The Effective Cheer of Festive Capitalism

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all! This is a work of fanfiction between two, entirely entertaining, sources.  
> The World of Warcraft and the Gigino & Co. universe by the highly enjoyable T.J. Mizin.  
> If you happen to enjoy snarky, tongue in cheek, fantasy/sci-fi, consider looking up "Gigino & Co: Go to Town" and the sequel "Gigino & Co: And the Mighty Sorcerer"  
> ...  
> And as usual, I have not edited this... so there will likely be facepalmery at some point.  
> Enjoy!

The Effective Cheer of Festive Capitalism

As the snow fell gently from the endless gray of the winter sky, drifting in mesmerizing patterns and casting glittering white across all that it touched, two small beings trudged through the waist deep drifts while puffing wispy clouds into the icy night.

Incidentally, only one of them would have been offended by the nature of the previous, run-on, sentence.

"I'm still not sure why we're out here, Copper, you know... instead of in the bar. Where it's warm."

Puffing along, the two paused as they entered the dull glow of a street lamp.

"Because, 'Pinch, I've got a perfect plan to make a pile of gold," the second almost growled out through a mouth both too wide and just a bit too thin lipped to be even remotely wholesome. "See? Gold! And all we've gotta do is pull it off before the night's over and we'll be rollin' in coins!"

The first rose a dull green brow as she looked doubtfully at her companion. "Gold..... at night.... in the snow," she said, inhaling slowly as she rubbed one gloved hand over her face.

"Yheah, 'Pinch.... gold, at night, in the snow," he chuckled, flashing a wide grin and glanced around with amber eyes, as if searching for eavesdroppers.

Sighing as she slid her face up from her palm, Pennypinch sniffled briefly, sharing a long suffering look with her compatriot. When the look failed to do so much as slow Copperbit down, she threw her hands into the air in exasperation and muttered as she followed along in the waist deep trench that Copper was cutting through the snow of the city streets on Christmas Eve.

They passed building after building, stall after stall, and even a few of the ever watchful town guards, and still, Penny Pinch had no idea where Copperbit was taking them. Past the cobbler's shop, past the bakery, past the stables and the smithy, Copperbit trudged on, dangling a small lantern from a piece of railing he'd stolen from a fence. And through it all, he kept humming some infernal carol just softly enough that Pennypinch couldn't quite make it out.

Eventually, the two came to a stop before the towering black gates of the city wall. Massive plates of iron riveted to equally massive timbers stretched up from the snow, illuminated with a pair of sweltering braziers around which a meager number of the guard warmed their hands. Seemingly unconcerned, Copper strolled over, looked up at the tall guards, and cleared his throat.

"Hey! Guard! What's a goblin gotta do to get out of this craphole on Christmas? Bribe someone? 'Cuz if that's the price, I gotta say, you're overcharging!"

Startled, a few of the nearby guards reached for weapons before glancing down at the pair. With a glower, one of them paced over, snorted his displeasure, and walked over to the pauper's door to let them pass.

Pennypinch gaped at her friend. "You idiot! They're the guard! Why the hell did you say that?"

"Because, they're poor bastards out in the middle of the night, and I want to get out of this city."

Blinking in disbelief, Penny watched as the guard drew open the smaller door, forcing it against the growing pile of snow, to let the pair of goblins out.

And just as they passed through, Penny overheard one of the others mutter "Good riddin-ance ta bad trash, I says."

Humorously enough, Penny also heard another mutter back, "Thass naught 'ow the sayin' goes!"

With a dull thud, the door closed behind them, locking in the safety of the city and locking them out in the frigid wilds that surrounded the town.

Penny paused to look back up at the dark gates behind them, lit only with a single torch high upon the walkway arching across the gap. There was literally no going back now.

"Copper! Dangit! What the hell are we doing out here? I mean, it's literally freezing and now we're outside... OUTSIDE outside... on Christmas Eve... and there's not even a fire or meat or even a funny hat to steal and keep warm with!"

Finally Copperbit slowed down, turning to swing the lantern over between the two and planting it in the snow to warm his hands. "Look, Penny, I know you're a bit slow and all for a goblin, but it boils down to this: Gold." Copper grinned, waggling his eyebrows and chuckling softly while warming his hands.

Penny stood there, gritting her teeth, as she waited.

Copperbit, for his own part, just kept nodding, grinning all the while as snow began to build up on his ears.

After nearly fifteen seconds, Penny finally blurted out, "I GET THAT PART, YOU IDIOT! HOW ARE WE GOING TO MAKE GOLD THOUGH?!"

"Reindeer" Copper whispered, as if that explained everything, and turned, snatching up the lantern in the process.

Penny ground her teeth and reached to strangle the other goblin, but just restrained herself as she stifled a roar of frustration.

It was going to be a long night.

*****

Wandering in a snow covered wilderness was NOT how Penny Pinch had envisioned her Christmas eve night. It was cold, slightly windy, unpleasantly devoid of concealment in places, and she was almost certain Copperbit was not planning on the traditional goblin marriage proposal. No, she had checked as they were slowly plowing a very obvious trench through the snow... there was nowhere Copper could have hidden either a pile of gold in the shape of her favorite industrial machine or a doomsday device with the countdown set to "or else."

As such, being without food, warmth, or the promise of capital gains, her emotional state had been steadily degrading.

"Copper, so help me, if this is another one of your frickin' gnome brained schemes, I'm going to boil you down and use the resulting grease to moisturize a pot of sand."

Copper, for his own part, seemed to consider her threat for a moment before continuing on with a smirk.

The pair had been trudging now for nearly three hours and despite goblin fortitude (often referred to as 'stubborn brain damage') the cold was starting to get to them. Copper, his enthusiasm aside, had lost feeling in his snow covered ears some time ago. He knew his idea would work... no one had EVER considered the monetary gains possible by capitalizing upon the activities of the fat man himself. Sure, lots of folks had tried to steal his gifts, ransom off the innocent, or even blackmail Santa, but he'd never heard of anyone trying to work with the fat immortal bastard.

The possibilities were endless! Though he was starting to think that maybe, just maybe, he might end up dying by the slow and creeping cold that was sapping his strength as surely as gears were stripped in one of his "emergency fork repositioners". They were a thing... and you never knew when a fork needed to be moved at high enough speed to heat the metal to boiling.

Penny, in contrast, was fairly certain they were going to end up warm and toasty at the end of this venture, albeit by means of being eaten alive by some monster.

So it was by sheer luck that, at precisely the moment Penny had decided to end their little friendship by means of strangulation, a shadow passed over the pair causing them both to dive into the chest-deep snow.

There had been no noise, no warning, but as the seconds wore on, Copper and Penny's curiosity continued to grow.

What had snuck up on them? How had it gotten there? Were they about to discover the incredible secrets of some nightmare beast's digestive system first hand?

Admittedly, Copper was more interested in discovering if it was more painful to accept death or admit his idea had landed them both in a frigid snow pile while he could have been eating hot food and pilfering whatever he could get his hands on at the tavern.

And yet, as the moments continued to pass, decidedly without their immediate demise, Copper and Penny couldn't help but wonder...

Finally, it was too much. Penny, already bitter about the lack of a doomsday device, had had enough. Thinking back to the moment they had both scattered from the shadow, she tunneled through the snow to where she knew Copper was still hiding, punched out, and grabbed her compatriot by the collar, and pulled his face directly to her own and smiled bitterly.

"Copper, right now I really want to hurt you. I really want to point out how stupid this whole thing is. I really really want to light you on fire and warm my hands. But I'm not going to. I'm going to offer you a much more equitable outcome. Do you understand?" She smiled wide, still buried in the snow, and waited for his response.

Copper, still a little shocked from being blindsided while hiding in a snowbank, blinked and nodded with a nervous chuckle.

"Good. Now, I want you to tell me, in as few words as possible, how this entire night is going to end up making us gold. And I want you to tell me right now. Preferably before whatever that is out there finds us and eats us." Penny shook him, just a little... or maybe it was shivering from the cold, but she wanted it to be threatening, so in her mind it was a vigorous thrashing to get her point across.

Copper licked his lips nervously before whispering "Reindeer... meat."

Penny would have hit him repeatedly for that response, if not for the sudden realization that her vision was a little cloudy.

Which, in an of itself, wouldn't have been a terribly unusual thing... fog was, after all, fairly common in the lowlands. However, as her little goblin mind started to spin up, calculations and theories rifling off at ever faster speeds, she came to the unpleasant realization that until a moment ago, both her and her associate had been buried in a snowbank, in the cold of winter, and concealed from the looming threat of whatever beast had managed to have stalked them through the night.

As it was, she could clearly see trees behind Copper, who was currently looking as if he wanted to wet himself.

And at about that moment, she felt a blast of warm breath puff from behind her, knocking loose the small lumps of snow that clung to her clothing.

Turning, ever so slowly, Penny looked to see what manner of beast was about to be her end... and came face to enormous muzzle of a massive, saber toothed reindeer.

*****

Now, some historians will say, and rightly so, that reindeer, like other deer, at herbivorous. That is, they only eat plants. Some biologists will agree with these historians, to further this claim of the salad fairing tastes of the primal reindeer. Some might even point out that the commonly held belief for the majority of human existence was that the world was flat.

So, with these clearly erroneous claims put to rest, just accept the fact that the reindeer Penny had to face was indeed, a member of the dreaded Goliath Saber Toothed Woolly Heart Deer family.

Moreover, it should be noted that while Penny only came nose to muzzle with one such beast, that there were, in fact, a total of nine of the monsters, all arranged in a clearly pack-based hunting formation.

With these facts in mind, Penny's resulting activities may make a bit more sense.

*****

Penny screamed, flung Copper at the beast's face, and dove back into the snowbank, emerging a moment later with the hackwrench she normally used to 'encourage' lazy underlings into proper degrees of productivity.

Copper, for his own part, screamed before he bounced harmlessly off the face of the reindeer. Penny considered in the moment of adrenaline fueled rapidity that was her mind, that perhaps throwing her only ally at overwhelming odds may not have been her best option. The part of her mind that was currently running around in circles, screaming, and lighting random things on fire however.... that part assured her it was a marvelously well thought out plan with a flawless execution.

Either way, the reindeer's response to her masterfully executed 'goblin missile MK1' attack was to snort and advance a step.

Whiiiiiich resulted in Penny diving back into the snowbank with a shriek.

Plowing through the snow in ever-collapsing tunnels, evading her monstrous assailant, Penny began to beat that flaming and screaming part of her brain back into submission. Now was not the time for panicking! Now was not the time for screaming! Now was not the time for the gratuitous use of explosi..... well... honestly, when is it NOT the time to use explosives?

With a shake of her head, she amended her previous line of reasoning. Panicking was not going to do her, and tangentially Copper, any good. What she needed was a plan. A nice, sturdy, high-explosive-heavy plan. Preferably one where the resulting explosion decimated the reindeer, blew a hole in the forest, ignited the surrounding trees so there would be a bit of mother-lovin' WARMTH, and ideally send Copper's wallet securely into her back left pocket.

She was actually undecided upon which pocket to aim for, but that's what ideal outcomes are for... to aim high!

Mind made up, Penny punched down in the snow and cleared herself a tiny little chamber as she began to hastily yank materials from her pockets.

Heh.... and those buffoons thought overalls were just a fashion statement.

*****

To say that Copper was having a bad night would have been a mild understatement.

No, he hadn't turned a profit yet. And, yes, he had just been thrown by a girl 97.8% of his body mass at the waiting maw of a decidedly unhappy reindeer. And, double-no, it certainly was NOT warm enough for any other activities he could concievably engage in with said 97.8% body mass girl alone in the wilderness at night under the pretext of protecting her from the scary things in the dark.

But, that being said, there were still a few hours left in the night so his goblin instincts told him it was reasonably possible that he might break even on this venture yet.

Especially now that they'd found a reindeer, on this particular night, in an otherwise unknown clearing that seemed covered in snow.

So, after having bounced off the beast's nose and falling into another pile of snow, he picked himself up, brushed the snow off, and glanced around.

Yep. Just like the stories.... er... hot tip, said. Big red sled on glossy runners. Huge lumpy sacks, tied off and almost completely unguarded. Morbidly obese dwarf in a red suit looking out with a shocked expression as he dusted himself off of snow.

And nine flying reindeer that just about screamed 'business opportunity' from within the well oiled tack of their reins and harnesses.

Copper wasn't an idiot. He knew he was about to engage in epic combat the likes of which few goblins could even imagine. There would be losses, no doubt, but the potential gains? Those were worth the fat dwarf's weight in gold.

His musings were rudely kicked in the shins as a massive muzzle summarily knocked him over... the curious reindeer clearly sensing the imminent conflict and not simply nuzzling him as a well trained animal would. No... it was the opening volley! And he'd been hit!

Putting on his widest, most financially reassuring, grin, Copper stood up again, brushed the snow from his clothes, and trudged through the snow towards the sleigh... hand extended in greeting as he smiled up to its rider.

"Well HEL~LO there, good sir! A pleasure to see you tonight! And what fine animals you have there. Reindeer if I'm not mistaken? Yes? Excellent condition and look at the positive TWINKLE in their eyes! Simply beautiful creatures! And SUCH a nice shade of enchanted... flight? Oh, now THAT'S something you don't see everyday! Clever! CLEEEEE-EV-ER! Oh! And what a sleigh you have! I bet this baby gets going up to speed in no time flat! Genius, using the reindeer like that. Simply genius! And I bet these girl....oh... pardon me... BOYS have been towing you along for years with no problems at all. Dedication, that!"

Copper's grin only grew wider as he saw the dwarf's expression shift from shock to confusion, and then a tiny bit of pride. Oh yes... perfect.

"So, I have to wonder...." Copper stepped up to the sleigh and ran a green hand lovingly over the gold and black trim, "how long do you think they've got left before they give out on you.... you know... during one of your once-a-year rides, Pops?"

The silence that hung in the night air was heavy with the weight of magic infused reindeer and goblin con-artistry. A heady combination, to be sure.

*****

Penny had been working furiously for the past three minutes, spinning bolts and ratcheting ratchet-able bits of various compositions into a device only a goblin could dream up. Time was precious and, at the moment, a very limited commodity. After all, while Penny was certain she had the wits and wherewithal to dodge and even escape such a monster, she also remembered why she was out there in the first place.

Namely, because 'she' was actually a 'they'... and 'they' tended to imply more than one individual. Aaaaaand, tangentially, her particular 'they' was composed of both herself and Copperbit... who she might, with an emphasis on the 'might', possibly think was cute enough to not sue if the evening didn't turn a profit.

Suing over a bad date; it's a goblin thing. Deal with it.

Blinking as she drug herself back from her own internal narration, Penny jammed three whole sticks of dynamite into a three foot metal tube and fed the wicks through a fuse grommet before tightening the whole thing down with a markedly oversized wrench.

Done.... she'd managed to build a reindeer destroying weapon out of the bits and pieces she kept in her pockets!

Admittedly, Penny ~did~ tend to keep rather unusual things in her pockets, but by the standards of the engineering guild, it was relatively normal. "Completely, and utterly, reasonable" even after her impromptu discussion with the guild head last year during the fireworks display.

She had, after all, pointed out that nowhere in the rules did it say that the rockets couldn't be guided ordinance.

REGARDLESS! The point was that she ~HAD~ a weapon now... a weapon capable of destroying the monstrous reindeer! Of ending this night of frigid coldnicity! Of making a pair of gods-loving GLOVES for her freezing hands!

Penny paused... she was forgetting something.

Oh! And maybe even saving Copper. Yes... that was it. And maybe even saving Copper.

She nodded, shouldered her piecemeal-three-barreled, shoulder-mounted, cannon-of-reindeer-doom, and leapt from the snowbank with the most terrifying battlecry she knew...

"SURPRISE AUDIT!"

*****

It is a common misconception, amongst scholars, that goblins are possessed of an atrophied nervous system. Their lethargic reaction to pain stimuli, combined with their general lack of empathy, has led many to believe that they are less evolved and, perhaps, even downright stupid. Respected icons in their fields have even suggested that the goblinoid brain is incapable of reliable functioning unless continuous and reinforcing stimuli are applied, thus explaining their tendency to resist diplomacy, deterrence, and even the most basic concepts of social interaction.... such as being told "no."

It may come as a surprise, then, that the fact of the matter is that the average goblin is possessed of such a refined mental apparatus that the average humanoid is simply incapable of following along the most basic of goblin thought processes. This, it is theorized, is likely due to the dangers encountered in the daily life of the average goblin. This theory, presented by the high knight Princeton Rise and his wife Fortune, lead medics of the Red Blood University, suggests that where other species rely upon complex neural interaction to detect, transmit, process, evaluate, determine response, transmit again, and then act... the unique physiology of goblins simplifies the process to three primary stages: Pain, Escape, and finally Respond.

Sir P. Rise and Miss Fortune, both, have noted that this difference may make the average goblin appear foolhardy or even reckless, but point out that the end result is often beneficial. For example: a goblin which is running around screaming because it is on fire is much more likely to be noticed and subsequently struck with rocks or kicked by a horse than one that sits idly and pretends to be a campfire.

As a result, many goblins do not live to see adulthood but, similarly, those that do are often of such refined mental fortitude that they can act without even knowing that they have. Such was the case where Copperbit discovered himself hurriedly diving for cover as a half crazed Penny launched herself from a snowbank with a shoulder mounted cannon while an immortal dwarf stared openly as his magical reindeer started to explode all around him.

"Glad that's taken care of," Copper thought, right before he realized he was once more in a snowbank. "How the hells did I get here?"

And at about that time, the whistling of shrapnel and the thunderous booms of explosions jumpstarted his brain. "Crap," he thought, as he pulled himself free of the snow, taking a moment to brush himself off.

Standing not 15 feet from him was Penny, her improvised reindeer explodifying-something-or-other still smoking as she kept its many barrels trained on the Dwarf's sled. Lumps of steaming meat rained from the sky as clumps of snow slid from nearby trees... some still giving off flickering light from their newly acquired fires.

"Penny," Copper said, a placating hand matching his slightly nervous smile, "we're gunna be rich."

Penny blinked, the manic grin slipping from her face as she glanced over. "Copper?"

"Yheah Penny.... but.... yah gotta put the cannon down before you damage the merchandise."

And from behind the front panel of his sleigh, the fat dwarf shook his head at Penny... the quiet scratching of a quill almost whispering out the word 'naughty.'

*****

"Penny..." Copperbit smiled, just a bit too widely for comfort, "This is our client. You remember... ~OUR CLIENT~ that I was talking about?"

Penny blinked, the gears in her mind spinning up and catching on his tone. "Y-yheah. I remember, Copper. You said we had a client we had to meet tonight." Penny smiled as well, though hers was mostly with the thinly veiled threat of imminent destruction if things turned out badly.

She did, after all, have at her disposal a field tested meat-explodifier... granted, it had only so far been tested on monstrous reindeer, but that was immaterial when it came to unspoken threats.

"Right, Penny. That's right. So... Mister Claus Kringle, here, has a bit of a problem with his sleigh." Copper gestured behind him towards the overloaded sleigh with the fat dwarf. "Turns out his enchanted reindeer run on non-magical eggnog as best I can tell. Works great for rocket propulsion, but they wear out after a few runs." Copper grinned as he scratched his chin, "Makes sense in retrospect.... with that kind of hardware, you'd think the guy would do this whole rewarding good stuff shtick more often." Copper shrugged but smiled as he leaned in and draped an arm over Penny, "But that's where we come in. See... his team is running on fumes.... literally. Eggnog does not agree with magic reindeer apparently.... lack toes intoler-version or something.... he's got an accent, I'm summarizing here, Penny."

Penny nodded slowly, but ground her teeth just a bit. "Copper.... he's looking at us."

Copper jolted upright and grinned widely.

"So! It's settled then," Copper spun around and started walking back towards the sleigh, cutting a new trench in the snow. "My associate has agreed to provide you with a loaner since she was unclear on the particulars of our contract. And, Might I add, due to our extreme apologeticalness for your inconvenience, we're willing to cut the one night lease with a.... say..... 95% dis'count to make things right by you, Mister Kringle."

Penny's ears bolted upright. A Discount?!?!? Copper was cutting the fat blob a DISCOUNT! Her tiny little razor sharp teeth were being ground so much, she was positive she'd have to re-file them tomorrow.

Goblins, after all, do NOT give discounts.

Penny watched, with growing ire, as Copper and the Dwarf spoke quietly for a few moments more, before the dwarf turned around, reached into the enormous sack behind him, and drew out a leather satchel nearly as large as Copper. With a smile and a nod, he handed the bag over to Copper, who swayed a bit under its weight.

Copper, nodding cheerfully, staggered over and placed the bag on the ground. "Alright Penn-"

Penny cut him off with a glare that his unborn descendants could feel. "Copper. Gold. NOW." Her trigger finger was getting itchy. "Oh... and explain it too!"

Copper, seeing her look, nodded and smiled in case the dwarf was still watching. "Simple," he chuckled, "We lease him a rocket tonight and keep the reindeer meat from the trees, and he sends us new reindeer meat throughout the year. We 'recruit' reindeer and send them north. He takes only the fittest, trains them, and recycles any lagging member of his sled... er... sleigh team." Copper grinned. "Simple, right?"

Penny leaned in and grabbed his collar as she pressed her face up under his chin in the most threatening manner she could. Granted, to anyone who couldn't hear their conversation, it might look a little racy... snuggled up close with her lips brushing his neck as she whispered her threats, but even Copper understood the dire consequences if she got really angry.

"And we're making money, HOW, with a discount?!?"

Copper suddenly understood as he ran a hand lightly over her head, covering for their whispered conversation. "You heard discount? Sorry... I thought my apostrophe was pretty clear. It's a contraction... DIS, as in disreputable, and COUNT, as in accounting. 95% Dis'Count.... it's a 3800 percent markup... you know... since it's a rush job and all."

Penny's blood ran cold for a moment. Copper'd tricked the fat man... he'd.... he'd even out-swindled her! And in a moment, she couldn't really believe she'd done so... but she found herself kissing him while her hands idly wandered over his heavy leather sack.

"Damnit Copper, I need to see it... and I don't care if that Dwarf's watching."

Copper grinned like a shark. "You got it Toots." And, with a grunt, he undid the knot holding his sack closed.

Penny's eyes twinkled. "That IS a positively HUGE...."

Copper grinned like a damned fool as he finished her sentence, "... pile of gold. Yheah... Told you we'd be making out tonight."

Penny's response was just a breathy moan as she ran her fingers over Copper's heavy sack.

And the dwarf amended his list.... ~VERY~ naughty.

*****

Trekking back to the town turned out to be much less difficult than Penny had originally feared, following the trench the pair had originally cut had made the task nearly trivial.

Nearly, being the operative term for, while the path was clear, that self-same path was also still full of waist deep snow.

So, despite not getting lost on the way back, the trip only took about two hours.

In the cold.

In the snow.

With an immense sack of gold coins being lugged between them.

Penny sighed happily as she sipped her coffee from an enchanted wooden mug. "You know, Copper, I've been thinking..."

Copperbit, who was busily snoozing by the cookstove in the room he'd rented for the two of them, snorted a bit and blearily raised an eyelid to regard her. "yheah? I hear you're pretty good at that."

The two shared a soft chuckle before Penny shook her head and glanced at the glow from the stove. "Yheah... they say that," she whispered to herself. "But really, I was wondering... so, we've got reindeer meat. Now what? I mean, yheah, it's meat and yheah, we can sell it or eat it, but it's really not good for anything special right.... so once that gold runs out, we just end up copping jobs here and there between demolition contracts or plots to take over the world."

Copper remained silent for a few moments, long enough that Penny thought he might have drifted back off to sleep, before he slowly blew a breath out and sat up fully.

His smile had fallen slightly, still present though not quite as content. "Look, Penny, I'm not saying it's all or nothin' here, but the way this works isn't about blowing something up and getting a paycheck. It's about investments, see?" He gestured slightly towards the ceiling, causing Penny to look up in confusion. After a moment of seeing her looking around, Copper's chin fell to his chest before he looked up and cleared his throat.

"Penny, I get that most of the goblins at the guild don't think much of me... think that I'm slow or stupid or lazy... I get that. I get ~ALL~ that... really, I do but," he paused and glanced at the cookstove for a moment as he thought out how he wanted to explain.

"- well, the way I see it, we're kind of small in this here big old world, right? We're too small to be taken seriously, too weak to be a real threat, too big to be pets and too smart to be ignored. We don't really fit anywhere." Copper huffed as he frowned at his empty mug before getting up to fill it. "But, we're never going to get anywhere in the long run simply because we're so small," he held up the pot and topped off her mug when she held it out. "So, well, we gotta play to our strengths, see? Beat them at their own games and make sure we don't need an escape."

Penny leaned back in her seat, clutching her mug as she listened. Copper wasn't talking like a goblin. He was talking like... like.... like a something-else and she wasn't sure what to make of it. Sure, Goblins weren't the most respected race around, and they often got the worst jobs, the kinds of things that no one else would take or survive, but it wasn't like they weren't paid. And, goblins were better suited to dangerous jobs! They survived them more often than other races! Why, just the other week, she'd been on a dungeon clearing crew and that tall elf guy took 14 and a half arrows to the chest from a wall trap... which completely missed her. Penny frowned... actually, it only missed her because it was above her head... Copper couldn't actually be right about something, could he?

"So, I figure we ~DON'T~ tell the guilds and invest this gold in something private... something like a business venture. Heck, we could BE the business venture and get other people to give us THEIR money. Then we just pay them back in little amounts until we've given it all back and they don't have any control in the business anymore. You know... a little clause in the contract or whatever?" Copper chuckled a bit as his smile came back. "Yheah... we go with the original plan and just make it work.... longer."

Penny blinked. That... that was a strangely attractive idea. Using other people's gold to get their own. "And, the original plan was to kill the Dwarf's reindeer and sell it... so... how's that going to make us gold past that bag you're sitting on?"

And then Copper's smile dang near lit up the room. "With marketing," he took a sip of his coffee, "with marketing."

*****

"So, I'll put you down for another twenty pounds then, shall I?" Penny smiled as the noble before her seemed to weigh her question a moment before nodding.

"Yes... twenty pounds should do nicely. And you say it's strictly controlled, fine grade, enchanted, wild caught, unicorn?"

Penny smirked and gestured to the side as if brushing his comment away, "Absolutely not! We'd never sell that stuff here. Oh no, this is supremely fresh, sealed on site, pure enchanted, FLYING, magical, DOUBLE unicorn meat from a certified and experienced provider with a controlled export limited to no more than 27 beasts annually, WORLD WIDE. Only the best and only the highest quality meats meet our rigorous standards."

The noble's eyebrows rose a fraction of an inch, "double unicorn? And such a limited commodity. Hmm.... well then, I suppose I should secure my order before your current stock runs out. Could I, perhaps raise my order to, say.... oh, forty pounds then?"

Penny made an act of gnawing her lip and seeming a bit worried before flipping through her ledger a moment. "Well, I might be able to get you forty pounds, but that could mean you'd only get fifteen in the first batch and the other twenty-five in a month or two. See, we have three orders to process and only the one beast prepared at the moment. I wouldn't want anyone to be out, but unless you could guarantee the full order I'd have to delay it."

Penny counted down the seconds in her head... Copper had said that these nobles loved to 'play the game,' as he called it. Her every instinct was screaming at her to sell him the forty pounds straight out, grab his money and run, but so far, Copper's idea had paid out well.

"So, I could get twenty pounds now, or I might have to wait a few months before I could even hope to restock?" The noble threw his hair back in a clear display of annoyance, "What kind of business are you running here? That's ridiculous! Who would even consider such nonsense!"

And Penny almost felt the hook set in his little mind. "Well, if you're not interested, I'm sure Govenor LeBlanc would be more than hap-"

"No! No... I mean..." the frustrated noble frowned as if insulted before suddenly leaning in close, "Look... goblin, I need that meat for the investors. What would it take to just.... you know... insure that a suitable selection were to make it to my estate by the end of the month? No questions asked?" He affected a strange look with his lips.

It took Penny a moment to classify it as a smile. Something she supposed he was ill suited to using.

"Well, if you're not concerned with import fees, I suppose I could contact our supplier and see about a rush order. We'd have to slaughter one outright... special order and all... but you'd have the full supply from that animal all to yourself. We might even be able to work out a dis'count if you were to pay upfront for the whole thing."

The noble studied her for a moment before the strange expression became much more recognizable as a smile. "I knew you could make it happen." He nodded and stood again, "Fine then, bill my estate for the shipment and have it delivered by the end of the month. Never let it be said that Adonis McBarend cannot afford to serve the best."

And with that, the noble turned on his heel and left.

Penny smiled as she slid the consultation fee off her desk and into a chute below. A moment later, she wiped the smile from her face and pulled out a fresh 'ledger' of 'nearly full' orders before having her secretary show the next noble in.

*****

Penny tugged lightly at her dresscoat. It wasn't that she didn't like the idea of being seen in public, she really didn't mind, especially now that the business had made the pair a bit of a name in the industry. She couldn't really get away from it. If it wasn't someone trying to buy some of their magic, flying, double unicorn meat under the table, it was someone trying to edge in on the market by selling knockoff meats or taking a similar name. Those all came in droves, money does that, she supposed, makes con artists and parasites flock to the successful ones with the idea of shaving off a little of the good life for themselves.

Penny did not let anyone shave, cut, pick at, or rub off from their company. Her little shoulder mounted, triple barreled, meat explodifier saw to that aspect of the business quite nicely.

But, all the same, this particular kind of public event made her nervous.

Sniffing again as she pulled her masque down, she studied her appearance in the mirror.

Finely woven silk threads overlaid a simple dresscoat of pleated cotton, the design making for clean lines and dramatic angles. Light and breathable, flexible and durable, the whole thing screamed high society while simultaneously accommodating her demands for functionality. Inside were pockets filled with gears and springs and tiny little levers, all the bits and bobs needed to fix or change any number of gadgets on a whim. Outside was the splendor of their wealth, with filigree and tassels to compliment the hand stitched depictions of wild fowl and forests.

And then, there was her mask, a silly thing of feathers and gold leaf.

It was arrogant. It was boastful. It was wasteful. And she could ~NOT~ get over how expensive it was.

And... if she were to be completely honest with herself... some tiny part of her loved it to bits.

So, with a final nod, she spun on her heel and stepped to the door, intent on meeting Copper for the Masquerade Ball they were throwing for their 'investors'.

But when she opened the door, Copper was standing there with a simple black suit jacket and a pair of blue cotton slacks.

Grinning like an idiot.

"Copper," Penny started, frowning behind her mask, "this is a masquerade ball... and you're not dressed up."

"Sure I am!" Copper replied with a smirk.

Penny sighed, she'd played this game with him before. He would be absolutely incorrigible until she asked him what he was supposed to be.

"Fine... what are you supposed to be, Copper."

"I'm a clever little heart-throb!"

Penny lowered her head to her hands before slowly looking up. "You are not... and even if you were, you can't go dressed as something that isn't even remotely identifiable!"

"Oh yes I can."

"No... no, you really can't."

"But..."

"But nothing, Copper! You've known about this for nearly 5 months! We even had snow imported to commemorate the company's founding! You CAN'T just go out there looking like some idiot in a suit when everyone else will be dressed up like idiots with money in suits!"

At which point, Copper grinned even wider. "But what if I could make it VERY obvious?"

Penny paused. Copper, for all his failure at being a goblin, had proven to be remarkably capable at using non-goblin tactics in the business world.

"And.... I can't believe I'm about to ask this... how would you do that?" Penny asked.

"Like this!" he stepped back from the door and pointed to his belt which, while possessing both a rich leather band and a polished brass buckle with a cut ruby, was less than able to show off his 'heart throb' image.

"Copper, you look like you always do."

At which point Copper pressed the ruby and a sprig of mistletoe sprang out of the belt buckle on a thin wire, bouncing around in the air over his crotch.

Penny couldn't help but laugh. "Oh my," she struggled to regain some semblance of her former decorum. "That's not 'heart throb' in the traditional sense, Copper... I'll give you 'Naughty Lecher' though."

Copper's grin grew even wider. "This ain't naughty, Penny. ~This~ is nice..."

"I beg to differ, Copper."

"Well it ain't..." he grinned and stood up straight before grabbing his belt and spinning himself around with a faint ratcheting series of clicks.

Penny blinked before breaking down into even more laughter.

Copper's belt buckle had slid along his belt... making the mistletoe now hang... bouncing... over the missing cheeks of his pants. "...~THIS~ is naughty."

Oh... this party might be a fun one after all.

*****

Penny sat behind a large wooden desk, red hair pulled up in a messy bun and wearing a remarkably well made, reinforced, suit vest with a cummerbund. The sound of her pen, quickly filling in line after line of her ledger, complimented those of the whirring gears and ratchets of the ceiling high grandfather clock that occupied the corner of her office. Silvery beams leaked from the windows as the cold radiance of the winter sun cut through the otherwise dimly lit room.

The fireplace in the corner was gated, but burned along happily and gave the cluttered space a much needed warmth.

As the hands finally clicked into place at 4 in the afternoon, Penny paused in her writing, glanced up, and considered the clock before lowering her eyes to the ledger again, and finished filling in the days earnings.

She looked over the pages, running her nail down the columns and checking her math before nodding and penning in the final totals, sprinkling on a bit of ash-white to dry the ink, and closing the ledger.

Another productive day. Another pile of gold. Another little bit of wheeling and dealing.

She hopped from her stool, walked over to her coat rack, and pulled on the heavy longcoat and cap that had been warming by the fire for the last half hour.

Stepping towards the door, she glanced back and pulled the lever that would cut the intake to the fireplace, reducing it to a slow ember overnight, but keeping the room from freezing the inkwells. Nodding to herself, she sealed up her ledgers in the floor safe, spun the dials a few times for good measure, and opened the Intercom pipe on the wall just long enough to shout in "Heading home. Have a profitable night, everyone."

Nodding again as she heard the tinny response, she took a moment to close the pipe, step out into the hallway, and lock her office up.

"There you are, Penny! I almost thought you were planning to spend the rest of the night in there," Copperbit called as he strolled up the hallway, adjusting a fist sized pocket watch as he did so.

Penny raised an eyebrow. "Nah. Got the numbers. Got the gold. Got the books all cooked and the lawyers running in circles long enough that they'll all be blaming each other before anyone has a chance to figure it out." She shrugged, the gesture accompanied by the tinkling and whirring of dozens of knick-knacks hidden away in the folds of her coat. "No reason to stay when I've got a hot meal waiting."

Copper nodded, his scraggly mop of hair having long since been pulled back in a banker's knot. "Yheah... I guess that's the best thing then." He paused, looking a bit uncertain for a moment as he rubbed the back of his neck. "You know, Penny, Um.... it's not too late to just join me for dinner... I mean, I'm not threatening your job or anything... but... I've got the galley up and running and the walk to your place is like fifteen minutes in that snow."

Penny raised an eyebrow as she adjusted the small pair of reading glasses before smirking. "You know what Copper? Sure... why not. You're never gonna propose anyway, but I get the jist of it."

Copper, for his own part, turned bright red before nearly choking on his tongue. "Sure, sure... fine." He smirked again. "Look, just... let's just go and grab something from the galley."

The two turned and started walking down the richly polished hallway, the soft clicks of their shoes tapping out a relaxed rhythm as tiny gaslamps flickered in their glass bulbs.

Copper was smiling, taking the hall in with his eyes as he ran a gloved finger along the woodwork idly. Warm woods, polished and recently oiled, made up the wainscoting while imported fabric decorated the upper half of the hallway. Every few feet, a small spigot was tastefully installed to give off light from the gas lamps that ran throughout the place. And all of it, his.

Penny, for her own part, maintained a faint smile of her own. The day had gone well and Copper, for all his bumbling, had somehow made everything work. Sure, she'd had to lie, cheat, and steal, and - yes, she'd had to fudge the books and pay out a few bribes, but in the grande scheme of things, that's just how things worked.

And all in all, it worked out fairly well for them.

Finally, the pair came to a stop before a large, heavily lacquered door with bright brass handles.

"So, you finally got it up and running then, Copper?" Penny asked with a smirk as she glanced over at her boss.

"Finally? Finally? Yes I got it up and running! Of course I got it up and running!" Copper shouted in mock anger, though Penny could see his eyes twinkling. "I paid for the best craftsmen, the finest chefs, and only the greediest waiters. Of course I got it running."

Finally, the two could bare it no longer, breaking into a jovial bout of laughter as Copper reached for the handles and pulled the door open to reveal the galley for what it was... a beautifully decorated restaurant complete with potted plants, hanging lamps, and a full waitstaff of well groomed goblins in dinner suits. Glossy tiles covered floor while polished brass plates acted to reflect the lamplight from the ceiling. A rich red carpet wove between seats bolted to the floor in meticulously measured places, all designed to offer the best view out the plate glass windows that overlooked the town.

Copper nodded appreciatively as Penny took it all in with wide eyes.

"You... you actually got it all running?" she stammered. "You actually, ACTUALLY, got the whole thing running all at once? No, hiccups or fires or random explosions?"

Copper grinned as he watched her, motioning for one of the waitstaff with a hand where Penny couldn't see it.

"Yheah, Penny. Got the whole thing running. Steam pressure's good. Boilers are running. Once the gas came in, and we got the leaks worked out, everything just came together."

Penny looked around again before pointing at him with a finger. "You got all this right and you still can't cook your books?"

Copper snorted out a brief laugh. "Look Penny, heh... I can't do it all.... you remember what I told you last year, when this all began, right?"

Penny blinked before glancing up to think back. "Um... don't blow up the merchandise?"

Copper smiled again and shook his head, "Nah... that too, but no. I said we were going to make a pile of gold if we played our night right. And I knew you could."

He leaned in close, a slightly slimy grin on his face as he wiggled his eyebrows. "And I knew you couldn't keep from blowing up the merchandise if I told you ahead of time anyway."

Penny rolled her eyes and pushed him away with a smirk of her own. "It's not my fault you can't blow things up when you need to. What kind of goblin can't blow stuff up on a whim anyhow?"

Copper chuckled as the waiter strolled up to the pair and cleared his throat. "My apologies, sir and miss, but your order is ready."

Penny frowned and spun on the waiter. "We haven't even ordered yet, you idiot!"

The waiter smiled and bowed his head as he lifted the lid of a small steel tray, to reveal a triple barreled, shoulder mounted, cannon of reindeer doom... in miniature.

Penny stared.

Copper smiled.

Penny screamed again and jumped out of the window as her coat erupted into a mechanical glider and rocket. A second later and a twisting coil of smoke was all he could see darting off into the distance as she flew off.

Copper's laughter echoed for a moment before he went to a small communications tube near the door and shouted down, "Fire up the engines boys.... Penny didn't say 'no,' so it's time to offer up the doomsday weapon."

And the room lurched as the view seemed to slide down from the windows.

Copper smiled as a seat popped out of a panel near the center of the room and giant mechanical arms swung into view as the town seemed to fall away.

Leaning towards the tube that had just slid out an armrest, Copper sat down, folded his arms, and said "All ahead full.... let's catch us some holiday cheer."

The chorus of 'ayes' from his waitstaff echoed across the room as the grinding of gears and the scream of pistons set the whole place to motion.

And somewhere, half a world away, a fat dwarf checked off a list of 'magical, flying, double unicorn meat' to be sent to Copperbit's Magical Meats and Siege Engine Emporium.

And a metric ton of coal, for the naughty goblin in his life.

*****

Meatshield stared in awe at the curious silvery bowl with Elven runes carved all over its surface. Inside, a small amount of water had collected from the recent rain and, in passing, he had seen the reflected glow of moonlight and stopped to pick it up.

That was some six hours ago.

In that bowl, in the puddle of water, he had seen things... ghostly images and whispers of sound. Images and sound that had entranced and held his attention.

His brothers and sisters had ignored him, passed him by... had acted as if he simply weren't there. They had jobs to do... and, idly he recalled, he did as well.

But the bowl. The bowl was more important.

And as he stood- as he stared and watched- he had learned.

They could make things. They could do things differently. They could rise!

They could mine the rocks, smelt the ores, work the metal and make real things. Armor and weapons and so very much more!

They could ... they could... win.

He'd seen the great machine with his own eyes. He knew how to build it. The drafting papers had taken up residence in his head and he could recall every rivet and valve in its construction. He knew how much fuel it took and could remember all the instructions to teach his fellow goblins.

With a jolt of realization, he looked up.

They didn't need Mama Gratch... they could.... unionize.

Eyes wide, he shouted at his brothers "WAIT! STOP! We can make better weapons! We can make armor and not die! We don't have to send Pockbutt out to check the arrow ranges!"

And they ignored him.

Well... Gorlop didn't... he just picked Meatshield up and lugged him along "Nah... you get into city!"

And without preamble, Gorlop threw Meatshield over the city's walls with so much force that Meatshield dropped the precious bowl.

Gorlop noticed it, picked it up, and used it to scratch his bum before trundling on to find out how far the city's ballistae could fire.

Gorlop was good at discovering ballista ranges... he'd survived three direct hits so far!

And, somewhere inside the city, a few minutes later, Meatshield, while trying desperately to convince his brethren that the goblin swarm could rise above its barbaric practices, one of the human city defenders managed to toss a bomb, on a stick, directly down Meatshield's pants.

Meatshield, initially surprised, yelped, before starting to run around screaming as the fuse burned his unmentionables.

... And then he exploded, leaving only a smoking pair of floppy canvas shoes.

... And taking with him, the knowledge that all the gobbies ever really needed to take over the world was some reindeer, some dynamite, and a lucrative trade agreement with a fat immortal dwarf.

... And an eight story tall killing machine that ran off a metric ton of coal for all the naughty things they did over the holidays.


End file.
